i want to give up on english. again.

the amount of sane, good, nice people using the english language is almost zero. for example, if you write something, everyone "reads into" what you're saying instead of reading what you actually wrote (i wrote on a topic and everyone apparently thought i was writing about something else — simply because i used ONE SINGLE TERM wrong and they apparently couldn't understand from the rest of my very long, detail-filled message), then they attack you or otherwise do all they can to prove you're incorrect.... with no sympathy. I'M the one saying "well i looked it up but i could be wrong" etc, they're simply going "no you're wrong" (despite that, yeah, i did look it up to see that i was correct before even posting). oh and i even got people messaging me to tell me that i had the wrong "context" — what context?! this was a post i wrote myself, it wasn't a reply to anyone!

then, i'm really tired of every single conversation being either mind-numbingly stupid or full of hate. like, i've tried to be fandom friends with people and their entire concept of "liking a series" is, apparently, watching it and then saying the main characters should replace the characters in a certain commercial they've seen. if you say ex. "well i think it's pretty clear that character's gay, look, all these events and lines of dialogue happened" "no it can't be because they didn't state it outright!!". sorry, but especially in japan, you can be gay without getting naked on screen, kissing someone and confessing your love to them. i'm pretty sure i knew this fact even when i was TWELVE.

then there's the english language itself. i don't want to support people thinking that english is "cool", or that people really should forgo their own languages in order to learn it. i don't live in a (native) english-speaking country anymore, in reality there's no reason for me to use it on a daily basis like i am. and people in other languages are just NICER. in japanese, swedish, esperanto (though there are some crazies in esperanto, they're usually english-speakers) i get nice, human, sympathetic, whatever-you-want replies AND ACTIONS. for example, i mentioned wanting to find more people who have aniridia —— and my japanese friend, without even saying anything, went and found a japanese aniridia person on twitter for me. talking to a swedish kid (kid! he's barely 15!) and i got really heartfelt advice.

but in english, literally 9 out of 10 people are crazy. maybe they're not crazy on the surface, but once you flip their switch (which can be as simple as disagreeing with them)...

the problem is, i've been using english every day of my life for 25 years. i don't want to, for example, alienate the (few) friends i have who only speak english. if i write fic, it always comes out a billion times easier (and nicer-sounding) in english. when i google i automatically do it in english. there's so much stuff i can read, play, etc in english for FREE. but if i continue to use english in my private life i'm going to end up continuing to use it in my public life (= twitter etc) too. and among other things, i NEED to write some books in english so i can get some money.

i feel really frustrated and down right now, i don't know what to do.... i mean, if someone's "really" my friend then they'd learn an easy language like esperanto in order to understand what i write, or would be fine with google translate, right....? but then there's the problem of them still wanting to write to ME in english, when i'm trying to quit english entirely....